What it's like to be a junkie

It occurred to me that some of the people who read my blog have never been addicted to cigarettes. They may have been addicted to food, or booze, or masturbation, or who knows what. Here's my take on being a smoker:

I've spent 25 years as a smoker; that's more of my life than I was a nonsmoker. So I really don't *know* what it's like to be "normal", to be "not addicted" to cigarettes. I know, rationally, but not emotionally, that after nonsmokers finish a meal, that they're happy to just sit there. I know that nonsmokers are happy to engage in fun activities for hours on end, without the need to run outside and get a fix. I know these things, yet I don't understand them.

To me, being a heroin addict is completely repulsive. I can't imagine how anyone would find joy by plunging a needle into their arm. Yet cigarette addiction is worse, because "getting a fix" only lasts for about 5 minutes. Nicotine leaves the system so rapidly that we start withdrawal within 5 or 10 minutes. Heroin lasts for hours; after shooting up, the addict is high for a number of hours, normal for a number of hours, and then starts withdrawal. Smokers, by contrast, are almost always in withdrawal. And after the first few times trying cigarettes, we never get high. We don't smoke to make ourselves feel good, we smoke because we're trying to make the bad stuff stop. Imagine if you had a neighbor whose car alarm had been going off all day. It starts off as an annoyance, but after a while you're thinking seriously about going over to his house, jimmying open the hood, and throwing his battery in the street...

Withdrawal starts with a little psychic nagging, kind of a "Did I leave the oven on?" type of feeling. That nagging gets worse, until after an hour or two, it's more like "You left the oven on! You need to turn around RIGHT NOW and fix it, and if you run over that kid on his bike, it's secondary to getting the oven turned off RIGHT NOW."

Physical symptoms: Dizziness, increased temperature, headaches. Fatigue, restlessness. Sometimes joint pain. Constipation. Mental symptoms: Thinking about smoking every three minutes. Fear. Sometimes envy--if you see other people smoking, you think of them as lucky, as opposed to addicts. My grandpa quit for 4 years one time, and said every time he saw someone else smoking, he wanted to choke them, take the cigarette away, and smoke it himself.

Carr talks about how great life is as a nonsmoker. To someone still in the throes of addiction, this is like a terrorist cell leader talking to me about how I'm going to get 72 virgins when I blow myself up--nice idea, in theory, but I haven't seen any proof of it. Carr's book is great on the logic, and getting started, but after the first few hours, it's pure emotion, baby. If junkies could operate on logic, they wouldn't be junkies.

There are 2 parts to this addiction--the mental part, and the physical part. Since nicotine leaves the body so quickly, the physical part is done in a few days. The mental part, though, can last a lifetime. Today I re-lit 2 cigarette butts out of our outdoor ashtray, to get the precious 3 puffs from each. It doesn't matter that I "know" that after x days, I'll be symptom free forever. I've just got to shut that car alarm up, if only for an hour. I found myself longing after butts in the Kwik Trip parking lot today. Would I scavenge a ciggie from a fresh, steaming pile of dog shit? Yes, I would.

Tomorrow is a new day. And I will continue my withdrawal, for everyone's amusement.