Day 56 smoke-free update

So it's day 56 since I smoked. 5 days ago, I was running out of gum and thinking, "Gee, it's kind of stupid to prolong my nicotine addiction by chewing gum," so I quit. I only had about 8 pieces of the gum left anyway, and going out to buy another box for $25 was unthinkable. Last Monday, I woke up without feeling too withdraw-y, threw the rest of my gum away, and made a run for the exit. Since then, I've been dealing with severe depression and rage issues. I was so sad today that I just wanted to lie in bed and cry all day. Strangely, these emotional problems are not linked to a craving for cigarettes or nicotine gum or anything, they just *happen*. My self-esteem, which has been really low for the past 4 years, went to zero, and I just couldn't imagine my life ever getting better ever again. I couldn't imagine ever being happy ever again. I got a call from the quit-smoking people today, my 6th follow-up call, and when they call they go through a number of questions. Did I have more energy now? Yes, I said, I have more energy now, but it's not the sort of energy that you'd actually want. It's not the energy to go out and do something fun or go outside and dance like you're in a tampon commercial. It's the sort of energy that makes me want to pistol whip people. It's the sort of energy that makes me feel like I'm in Logan's Run and I just turned 25. Running for my fucking life, that's where I am now. I can't stand my own stink, my natural body smell, and I feel so stupid, so dim-witted. I haven't been able to remember anything for the past 56 days. I have 2 jobs that can't afford to pay me, 2 bald tires on the Jeep, and a very busy month coming up. Busy good? No, busy bad. Liquidating all my stuff and moving out. And yes, there will be pistol whipping.

Smoking update

It's day 40 without a cigarette. I'm still on the gum, but I've only had 3 pieces today; the nicotine addiction seems to be drying up and falling off like a scab. Which makes me wonder if I'd been smoking something like American Spirit chemical-free cigarettes whether I would've just quit on my own anyway. Probably not. Forty fucking days. I thought we'd be done with this shit by now.

Anyway, chewing gum just to get the nicotine out has started to seem rather ridiculous; I mean, why continue to chew gum just to lengthen my addiction? It's tough to describe, but whereas it once seemed perfectly normal to stick a cigarette in my mouth and set it on fire, it now seems perfectly ludicrous to keep chewing the gum.

To date I have saved (or really, "spent") $240 in fun money and have screwed the State of Minnesota out of $64. That's a big motivator for me. The State has had their hand up my ass for the last 3 years, with one more to go, and they've made an enemy for life. Whatever I can do to legally screw the State out of tax revenue over the next 40 years, I'll be doing it.

I started on cardio yesterday, skipping rope for like 3 minutes, before I was panting like the last dinosaur. I thought that after 40 days, most of the crud would be out of my lungs, but maybe this is just how people who don't do cardio feel. Or maybe I fucked something up permanently in there, I wouldn't be surprised. I worked out yesterday for the first time since I quit, upper body, and that was...disappointing.

See, my workout was boring, and I really didn't feel like doing it, but I did it anyway. Then I quit smoking and I really, really didn't feel like doing anything I didn't want to do, and so here we are. I tried Hindu squats today; Joe Rogan does 200 of them before every workout. I think I got to 20.

I'm still flatlining emotionally; I don't feel proud, or excited, or free, just kind of "meh". Hopefully that will go away when I get off the gum, but it's like I'm still waiting for some cosmic sign that I'm officially a nonsmoker now. I don't miss cigarettes, and it's easy for me to remind myself that whenever I see someone smoking, they're really not enjoying it anyway. Maybe they get a burst of pleasure from the first 5 puffs or so, but after that it's just bland. Maybe if I got diagnosed with terminal cancer I'd start again, but failing that, no.

I can smell a lot more things now, mostly things which I'd really rather not be smelling. The world is full of rot, ooze, and body odor, it seems, and I can't really see how I was missing out without those in my life. I seem to sweat more. And I've gained like 5 lbs., which was probably good for me anyway.

So it's been 40 days, and all I've got to show for it is the money. I'm more of a dick than when I was a smoker, but I'm less of a dick than when I was a smoker and ran out of cigarettes. I don't even know which of the health benefits I can claim--you know the ones: "After 10 days of not smoking, your penis grows 3 inches". Nicotine is a vasoconstrictor (constricts blood vessels), so I don't really know which of the benefits I get and which ones I don't. I certainly haven't seen myself growing more hair or healing wounds more rapidly or losing age spots, which were 3 things I was kind of expecting. And, has been mentioned, my lung capacity is for shit. I'm in low-level withdrawal at about a "2" (compared with a "10" for first day cold-turkey) more or less constantly now, which is annoying, but manageable.

I desperately wanted to end this update with, "And if that withdrawal doesn't end pretty soon, I'll drown myself, swear to God." But that's not true. It's not strong enough to drown myself over. It's definitely enough to make me an insufferable prick, however, and to verbally abuse anyone within earshot and occasionally break things.