Day 56 smoke-free update

So it's day 56 since I smoked. 5 days ago, I was running out of gum and thinking, "Gee, it's kind of stupid to prolong my nicotine addiction by chewing gum," so I quit. I only had about 8 pieces of the gum left anyway, and going out to buy another box for $25 was unthinkable. Last Monday, I woke up without feeling too withdraw-y, threw the rest of my gum away, and made a run for the exit. Since then, I've been dealing with severe depression and rage issues. I was so sad today that I just wanted to lie in bed and cry all day. Strangely, these emotional problems are not linked to a craving for cigarettes or nicotine gum or anything, they just *happen*. My self-esteem, which has been really low for the past 4 years, went to zero, and I just couldn't imagine my life ever getting better ever again. I couldn't imagine ever being happy ever again. I got a call from the quit-smoking people today, my 6th follow-up call, and when they call they go through a number of questions. Did I have more energy now? Yes, I said, I have more energy now, but it's not the sort of energy that you'd actually want. It's not the energy to go out and do something fun or go outside and dance like you're in a tampon commercial. It's the sort of energy that makes me want to pistol whip people. It's the sort of energy that makes me feel like I'm in Logan's Run and I just turned 25. Running for my fucking life, that's where I am now. I can't stand my own stink, my natural body smell, and I feel so stupid, so dim-witted. I haven't been able to remember anything for the past 56 days. I have 2 jobs that can't afford to pay me, 2 bald tires on the Jeep, and a very busy month coming up. Busy good? No, busy bad. Liquidating all my stuff and moving out. And yes, there will be pistol whipping.